This was written in 2002 after a bad day at the softball field....This is about the same time I realized Bobby is a genius.



Are You Walking?…There’s No Walking In Softball!

And so for the second time in our last three games, my esteemed softball team lost a lead in the late innings by watching the opposition walk around the bases. In a game that features such big balls, what happened to your manhood?

There is no walking in slow-pitch softball. Especially in co-ed slow pitch softball. Why even play if you’re looking for walks? Go for a walk in the park. Go for a walk along the beach holding hands with the wife who undoubtedly wears the pants. But don’t take up space on the softball field.

When you sign up to play co-ed slow-pitch softball, you’re looking to have fun. Period. Of course, there’s mild competition involved, similar to a friendly game of ping-pong. But overall, you’re picking up some beer, checking out the girls on the other team, and making fun of the guy on your squad who couldn’t catch a cold. Winning is, and should be, an afterthought.

When members of the opposing team are at the plate looking for a walk, it is no fun for anyone involved. It can’t be fun for them. I mean, how can you possibly lay off those pitches? Why would you want to lay off those pitches? It’s certainly not like they’re so far off the plate that you can’t possible take a cut at one! And it’s definitely no fun for us out there in field. Yeah, we might be getting a nice tan, but we came to play softball!

In slow-pitch softball, at least in our league, it is only a called strike if the ball hits home plate. Do you have any idea how difficult that is? It’s like trying to piss into a straw. If we decided that we were going counteract their feeble walk-attack, we would still be playing right now.

Besides the fact that men drawing walks in slow-pitch softball gives you a Richard Simmons-like aura as you jog to first base, it also has other disadvantages. First, it draaaaaaags out the length of the game. This, in turn, causes a second, and much more unfortunate occurrence. By the time the game is over, there is no beer left for the post-game discussion and interviews. Nobody just wants to go home after a softball game (unless you’re on the other team and you want to rush home to your wife to vividly describe how you looked at five pitches to win the game for your team). Furthermore, as a fielder, you lose all concentration when the other team is walking. There is no flow to the game. When they finally do decide to swing, you have no idea what to do with the ball (this also doubles as an excuse for my two errors at shortstop yesterday).

Walking in slow-pitch softball is like getting together for a football game and watching the opposing quarterback take a knee on every down. It’s like going to a funeral on your birthday. It’s like going on a romantic getaway to Wyoming. Well, you get the idea. It takes all the fun out of it!

So if you’re in a co-ed softball league and you like draw walks, enjoy those cheap wins while you can. Because if you face our team this summer, it’s not going be slow-pitch softball any longer. And we’re aiming for the head, because there’s obviously nothing down there.