Originally published 3/27/03


…The More They Stay The Same

By Bobby

Memory Lane must be a circle.

The other day, while doing my best to give others the impression I was working diligently, one of my coworkers dropped an envelope on my desk that was addressed to me. Wasting no time, I tore it open with the hope it was literally my ticket out of here. Instead, I pulled out a round piece of cardboard, which was outlined with gold stars. It read, “Delivering Excellence Recognition Program”, and it had my name handwritten on it, along with the date. That was it. My unexpected present neglected to go into detail about exactly what excellence was being recognized, or who had that authority to dish out such extravagant excellency awards. All I knew was that I did something excellent, somewhere, and at sometime.

I wasn’t exactly sure what to do with my award, so I hung it up by my cubicle with a thumbtack so all of my coworkers could bow down as they walked to the fax machine and take time to recognize my excellency, as instructed. It wasn’t until someone passed by and had the audacity to chuckle at the site of my prize, that I was informed what it was. Turns out, our company’s sales reps each had a boatload of these things to give out to their field service reps (that’s me), just as a motivational tool. Finally taking the time to look around the office, I saw that these things were plastered all over the place, like motivational wallpaper.

One month away from twenty-five, and I’m still getting gold stars.

Not much has changed apparently, from my grammar school days to where I am now. I still have a desk to report to every morning. We have an intercom here that announces, at 8:00am, that it’s time to start working. We have nameplates on our desks as well, so other people know who we are when they’re handing out assignments. I’m surprised we don’t all stand up and recite the “Pledge of Allegiance” every morning.

The guy that sits next to me has two balloons of Elmo, yes the Sesame Street character Elmo, tied to the bottom of his computer. So do several other people here. Our company is initiating a new program entitled “Expert Leader Motivator and Organizer.” With “ELMO” as the acronym, some sadistic higher-ups thought it would be “cute” to place these stupid balloons on the desks of said “leaders”. I apparently was not nominated.

We even have a company cafeteria here. Some of the guys that work in the warehouse go to lunch at the same time everyday and sit at the same table. And man, you do NOT want to get caught sitting at their table when they waltz in for lunch. I’m not even kidding. I have actually witnessed new hires get kicked off of the ‘warehouse guy’s’ table because they didn’t know. They’re like the bullies of our company.

We have dress down day every Friday, just like back in school. And just like back in school, dress down day gives everyone the chance to point out the more promiscuous, less stylish, and financially strapped coworkers. Next week our company has instated “crazy hat day”, giving everyone that much needed opportunity to look like a complete moron as they perform their daily activities.

Company functions, like the infamous Christmas party, eerily resemble the old school dances, only with alcohol present to accelerate the process, and subsequent discussions of who ‘hooked up’ with who. And there are still people that are ‘too cool’ to attend said functions. There are also still occasions, namely the day following a company party, that our managers require a doctor’s note in our absence, an inquisition to our illnesses.

Sometimes if we’re lucky, our bosses buy us pizza for lunch. When the announcement is made that ‘the pizza has arrived’, we are instructed to enter the conference room, one at a time, and to leave enough slices for everyone else. When the ever-dreadful occasion of a coworker’s birthday arrives, streamers and balloons and signs are placed on the person’s desk overnight, so when they arrive at work, they are pleasantly bowled over by the party atmosphere that surrounds their work environment. Then everyone eats cake and comments on how good it is and how they shouldn’t be eating it.

In essence, I spend my day trying not to get caught for doing things I’m not supposed to be doing. Surfing the net has become the equivalent of launching spitballs. I still go right for the seats in the very back during meaningless company meanings so I can make fun of people with my friends. But I still know how to kiss a little tush when necessary.

Nope, not much has changed.

I frequently notice that a lot of people comment on how they never apply anything they’ve learned in school to their present job. Well, we may not be discussing algebra and the “Treaty Of Versailles” here, but there are many aspects of corporate life and behavior that can be traced directly back to our school days. I actually have learned a lot.

And I have a gold star to prove it.